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Sometimes I feel as though multiple sclerosis is my dirty little secret.

The realities I hide. The baseless guilt I bear. The remorseful feelings that swirl within my mind.

I often wrestle with wondering, “If people knew what was really going on, would they look at or treat me differently? Think less of me? Cast judgment because of my lack of transparency or less-than-truthful actions?”

It’s not like I hide the fact that I have this progressive disease of the central nervous system. I mean, I am writing about my life with MS here for the whole world to read in this totally shareable online article. 

I selfishly justify myself by thinking, “What people don’t know about my life with MS won’t hurt them.”

  All of this resonated with me when I recently participated as one of five MS patients in MS Focus: the Multiple Sclerosis Foundation’s online webinar Invisible MS Symptoms: A Panel Discussion. In this event — moderated by Cherie Binns, patient healthcare liaison for MS Focus — we openly discussed our struggles with living with MS when the symptoms aren’t always visible. 

I realized through this candid conversation how much I approach my life with MS more as a masquerade. I’ve lived with MS for more than 25 years, and I have done everything I can to hide every symptom I have to ensure my invisible MS symptoms stay concealed. 

Or, at least, hidden in plain sight. 

I embrace that most of my relapsing-remitting MS symptoms aren’t visible, and if I never brought it up, nobody would ever know I have it. Like a masterful magician, I’ve intentionally invoked illusions, tricks, and sleight of hand to create the appearance that no one can see I have MS.

But I am not a masterful magician. I am just a regular person dealing with a relentless disease. With this, I am not bound by a rule of never revealing the secrets behind my tricks. If anything, I feel compelled to spill the tea on five of the many tricks I’ve used to keep my MS invisible.

The incognito wheeled walker: Even though I’ve only needed to pick up one or two small items at the grocery or hardware store, I usually push a shopping cart to help with my balance. Nobody notices because it’s more unusual for people not to use a cart while out shopping.

A beer in need is a beer indeed: Even though it’s more cost-effective to buy one 32-ounce beer at the baseball game, I always spend more for two separate 16-ounce brews at the same time because A) My MS-numbed fingers can’t grip a giant 32-ounce cup; and B) My MS-numbed feet can only walk so far in a given day, and getting a two drinks at once saves me an extra trip. Truth: No one ever questions a person carrying two beers at the ballpark.

Talkin’ technology: I work full-time remotely, and it seems that whenever my wife, Jennifer (who has secondary-progressive MS), or her caregiver, Jen, enters my office, I often am looking down at my smartphone rather than up at my computer monitors. That's because I have regular conversations with my coworkers through an app-based chat. Since my MS-numbed fingers don't type very fast or accurately, it's easier and much more efficient for me to enter my messages using voice-dictation tools on my phone. But no one will know I'm speaking into my phone because MS is impairing my typing abilities. I'm just like most people who constantly have a smartphone in their hands.

A shoe fit to be untied: Walking with friends, I’ve blamed my shoelace for coming loose — even though it was completely tied to begin with — just so I could stop and sit for a second because my MS-weakened legs needed a quick break. There was no judgment because every person’s shoe comes untied now and then, so, of course, they need to stop for a second or two to retie it.

I am the face of MS: Strangers have approached me on more than one occasion to compliment my full beard. I keep it clean and well-groomed, and I'm quite proud of it. I’ve had a beard for nearly half my life. I’ve also had MS for nearly half my life. Coincidence? I think not. Shortly after I was diagnosed, I often showed up to work with patches of stubble where I missed spots while shaving — MS’s numb hands tend to do that. So, I decided to grow a beard and have never looked back, because no one ever questions why a man has a beard.

Yes, some may say I am doing this to clear my conscience after nearly two decades of dirty little secrets and deception with this disease. However, I prefer to regard it as sharing my life hacks to potentially help others living with MS ensure that they, not their disease, are the ones who are most visible to the world.