50 msfocusmagazine.org Life with MS It is well known that multiple sclerosis affects our partners, oftentimes requiring a new ‘caregiver hat’ to be added to their theoreticalwardrobe.Acommitted relationship, whether a couple is married or not, typically carries an expectation of sticking together “in sickness and in health.” We anticipate that our roles may change as we journey through life together. One partner may need a little more assistance here, the other partner needs a little more assistance there. It is a give-and- take, a yin and yang, in relationships. What we may not anticipate is for the roles for our children to change. Adding a ‘caregiver hat’ to a child is difficult. As a child and family studies researcher, I was aware that families coping with chronic illnesses like MS often need their children to physically ‘step-up’ and assist in families slightly more than those children of families not experiencing a chronic illness. And while I personally I believe it should be avoided as much as possible, with forethought and careful monitoring, children can help in ways that are developmentally- and age-appropriate. There are times, however, when situations occur that are most unexpected. Just like us, our children can be affected by our disease not only physically (in the sense of having to take on additional chores or responsibilities), but emotionally as well. On a chilly November night a few years ago, my lovely child acted as an emotional caregiver, consoling me in response to a situation that still, many years later, weighs heavy on my heart. Wewereatalocalsportscenter.Ourdaughter had recently tried out and made a travel volleyball team, and we were attending our "welcome to the volleyball club” meeting. At this meeting, one of the coaches for the team unthinkingly made fun of my condition. As the coach was presenting information to our parent group, I was smiling and taking notes. She stopped and loudly called me out for "constantly shaking your head 'no' at what I say." Dear readers, I have a tremor, which makes my head shake in a slight “no” fashion. If I'm nervous, my tremor is much worse. I also walk with the use of a hot-pink cane, which I had with me at the time. There we were in a meeting with a group of parents and kids, all of whom we would be spending the next six months with as we travel about and watch our daughters play volleyball, when this coach calls me out. I replied, “I have a medical condition.” She asked, “What?” I said, “I can’t help it. I have a tremor from a medical condition.” I literally thought my face was going to burn off because I was so embarrassed. I had to be the brightest shade of red. To say that was a mortifying experience is an extreme understatement. My child, Sami, was sitting right beside me during this entire exchange. That woman can embarrass me all she wants, but when she pointed herfingerat me, scowled, and belittled me, she might as well have belittled and shamed my daughter. There we were, in a group that was so exciting for Sam because she tried out and By Darbi Haynes-Lawrence