b'Noncritical or nonjudgmental feedback statements are descriptions of theobjectionable behavior, not what you might assume the objectionable behavior impliesabout the persons character or feelings. If you give feedback in a critical way, it putspeople on the defensive or oends them, making it much more dicult for you to getyour point across.Second, it is important to let the person know what the consequences or eect oftheir behavior is for you. The consequences or eect can be that a task that does notget accomplished (such as the chore in the example above), or it can be your emotionalreaction, thoughts about the objectionable behavior.To continue with the example above, the following might be consequences of theobjectionable behavior: When you say you will help with [chore] several times and you dont, [the chore]does not get done. When you promise to help me several times and you dont keep your promise, Ifeel like you dont mean what you say and I feel hurt. When I have to ask several times for you to do (chore), and you say you will do itbut you dont, I feel angry and ignored. It is often not so important to give feedback with an isolated or rare behavior that isobjectionable, but it is more important to give feedback at repeated patterns ofbehavior that have negative consequences. For example, if someone did not keep apromise to pick up medicine for your MS-related spasticity at the pharmacy on the wayhome from work for a second or third time, you might proceed as follows: Start with empathy I know that you have a lot on yourmind, but Give a noncritical feedback statementwhen you forget to bring my spasticitymedicine home Explain the consequencemy spasms get worse and I am inmore pain and upset.Learn to Ask for Positive Behavioral Change It is generally not appropriate to ask someone to change their feelings aboutsomething, since their feelings are their own. However, in communication it isfrequently important to ask someone for positive and specic behavior changes. So far,we have discussed several key elements of good communication: listening, using em-pathy, and giving feedback. Following the giving of feedback, it is important to ask in apositive way for the person to change their behavior, and what the consequences willbe for getting your request met. You can use the sentence stems, If you [behaviorchange], then [consequences of behavior].8'