30 msfocusmagazine.org Life With MS Dealing with the emotional fallout With everything I was going through, I cried a lot while the kids were growing up. It was difficult to lose abilities every day and need more and more help. I found that if I was crying, the kidswould clam up; theydidn’t want to upset me further. The kids also needed to acknowledge and understand their own frustration and anger with my illness. It's perfectly normal for them to get angry or resent the effects MS has on them. There were times when our kids hated having to come home after school to help me. I’d tell them, “I understand they would rather go to a friend’s house than come straight home, and I'd probably have felt the same way if my mom had made me come home.” I wanted them to know that being angry with me and this illness is okay. When any of us needed help coping with the stress that MS was creating in our lives, we sought out help through the family doctor, a MS organization, the school, or our faith community. The circle of care Throughout the years, the kids also needed reassurance that, no matter what, there would always be someone to take care of them. We talked to them about others who would be there to help them at times when I couldn’t – grandparents, relatives, close family friends. This was essential to lowering their stress. They needed that sense of security. It was also important that the kids didn’t feel responsible for me. We didn’t want them getting the idea that they needed to be “the man/lady of the house.” Our daughterworried about me. How I would get down to the basement if the tornado sirens went off? Who would take care of me when Dad couldn’t lift me anymore? I tried to reassure her with potential solutions. We encouraged the children to be creative problem solvers. When our son was five, I couldn’t carry the laundry baskets to the washer. I asked our son if he knew how we could make the task easier. His solution? He took belts and used the openings in the baskets to join the baskets together. Then he tied a rope to the first basket, threw it over his shoulder and pulled the baskets behind him. Instead of feeling sad and frustrated about needing more help, my resourceful child made me laugh. Sadly, by the time the kids were teenagers, I was very severely disabled and needed help with everything. Dave, family members, friends, neighbors, and paid helpers provided much of the help I needed, but there were many times when the kids, out of necessity, had to help me. When the children were 13 and 11, I needed help getting on and off the commode. It was horrific for me; I hated what MS was doing to me and the children. It was humbling and I tried to be respectful and understanding of their feelings. At first, it was embarrassing, but we all learned to deal with my need for help. The Golden Rule I tried to be respectful at other times as well. I stopped making demands, sarcastic remarks, lecturing, and asking questions like: "How many times have I told you to…?” or “Why can't you just…?" I realized I'd feel angry if someone talked to me like that, so I started