b'Life with MSAAddvvooccaattiinnggffoorrMMyysseellffBy Nicole LemelleLooking for a purpose since I lost mine.I was getting very little rest. I wanted to Im an MS alumnus. For 25 years Ive beenescape. But I couldnt leave. Unable to sleep studying its effects. Nowadays Im reaching outat night because there was a tornado raging in to tell my story. Teaching mishap prevention tomy head. Suddenly I was Dorothy following a the newly diagnosed. Creating a new acceptanceyellow brick road to each doctors appointment. of old news. Looking for a new brain without lesions. I remember a college boyfriend telling meDesiring to get home. But clicking my heels he wanted to break up with me and just betogether three times and calling it a life plan friends. I acted as if I was surprised and evenwas probably not the best idea. Yet, that was brokedownandcried.Butdeepdown,Ihow I was living.knew the relationship was over way before heI should have taken some time to think. made his proclamation.Skipped some stones at the lake. Plotted my The way I handled that situation is thefuture. I needed to use my broken eggs to make same way I think I have handled my MSomelets. Instead, my circumstances made me diagnosis. It seems I was always in some formshrink in the moment. of denial. Maybe its because I had minimumThe disease began to control me. It was consequences when I was first told I hadlike being trapped in a cellophane wrap. My relapsing-remitting MS. Except for one majormouth was covered. My words went unheard. are-upandsomeminorfatigue,IprettyMy voice was muted. I was easily inuenced much was symptom-free for eight years. Atby other people. Bad decisions became that time, I could ignore or push throughcommonplace. I started indiscriminately taking any difficulties that emerged. Sometimes, Iadvice instead of believing my intuition. even neglected to take my medication for theIt all culminated in me being silent at the day. I also rescheduled clinic appointmentsworst time. I blindly trusted my neurologist. for trivial reasons. I was behaving as if I didnt have MS at all. He prescribed me high-dose treatments of Im not a mouse prednisone steroids. I didnt ask many questions Then it all changed. I was struggling todespite having anxieties about the therapy. ignore my declining mind. My brain wasThe doctor said, My decision is based on crowded from trying to figure a way out.biomedical research. We gave steroids to Uncertainty became the norm. Morning tears.animals with multiple sclerosis. Those studies A hazy view. Double vision. A touch of pain.found the drug improved the life of mice.Chewing melatonin like candy. So, what do you think, Nicole?msfocusmagazine.org 14'