b'Life with MSFFiinnddiinnggWWhhaattYYoouuNNeeeeddttooLLiivveewwiitthhMMSSas the diseaseSolutions are as unique to the individual By Seth MorganHow could I have been so stupid? HowHow, after having privately cried out every can I (being a board-certified neurologist)tear in my body wondering how long I would explain my mistake to my family? Even worse,still be able to support my young family and what could I say to my friend and fellowbeanactiveparentandhusband,couldI neurologist who was bending over backwardscomfort my spouse? After answering her to evaluate me in a few days? I know he willtear-filled questions about what we could take one look at me and then kick me out ofexpect with repeated answers of, I dont know his office saying, No, you do not have multipleshe angrily demanded, How could you not sclerosis!know, youre a neurologist? All I could barely This was my internal dialogue that weekwhisper was, Because, nobody knows. in May of 2004. That was my darkest time.Never mind that I had suddenly developedFrom terried to test subjectdouble vision and muscle spasms causingAsk anyone who has been told, You have near falls two days before. Forget that I hadMS and you will get some variant of this imposed on a radiologist friend to get an MRIexperience. It is always personal, terrifying, that revealed typical MS brain lesions. The factand compounded by learning just how little that I had diagnosed hundreds of people withis truly known about MS. The only difference MS over the previous 25 years didnt matter.for me was the profound and pre-existing I had convinced myself that the diagnosisunderstanding of the shortcomings of medical was wrong. How would I save face when Iknowledge about MS. I could not ease into the had to admit it?understanding of what having MS meant. In I even considered sending an emailan instant, my clinical facts (or rather, lack out admitting my error during that week.of answers) became emotional terror devoid Unfortunately, I never had to do any of thoseof counterbalance. things.But, as devastated as I felt then, time helped So, what is it like diagnosing yourself withme. This happens for some (I would like to MS or, any other debilitating, incurable, andbelieve many) people with MS, although the poorlyunderstoodconditionofnoknownones able to dig out to not allow MS to take cause and for which treatment (at the time) isover are mostly the ones who write their limited to a few injectable medications thatexperiences down.only might be benecial? Yes,Ididhavetoleavepracticingasa In a word, terrifying.doctor a few years later because of trouble 48 msfocusmagazine.org'